2025: The Year of Returning to Myself

In this moment, the version of me sitting down feels calm, with deep gratitude, and proud of all of the spaces and moments I moved through this year. How far I have climbed from the deepest hole I fell into at the end of 2023. For so long the journey has just felt like survival combined with a series of once in a lifetime opportunities and inspiration that kept me going, even while I was still tending to a broken heart and trying to guide a lost soul.

It wasn’t easy…returning home challenged me to face places and people I haven’t been ready to face. It took courage and trust in myself to find ways to reclaim these parts of myself. And lucky for me I have the bestest friends who were there to hold my hand without actually holding my hand. Being in my corner just in case I had a breakdown was everything I needed. Turns out, there were no breakdowns, just pure joy. That kind of relief and freedom was everything. Nothing was stopping me now.

That part of myself feels so far away now, I almost forgot to include it in this reflection. And I can’t help but pat myself on the back for that.

At some point this year, I finally reached a place of pure bliss. It rose after locking myself in a house for a week alone in Port Townsend for my birthday. I danced, I wrote, I played, I watched the birds, I walked around the lake, I made food, and I was a couch blob. I chose to prioritize what my heart wanted most and I did absolutely anything my heart desired in those moments, and without realizing it, I nurtured myself enough to actualize something I have always known, but never felt: that I am loved, I am all the love I ever need, and everything else is just a bonus. Knowing that I have the power to give myself this feeling after everything that I have felt over the last two years seemed like a miraculous gift.

“Nobody’s Girl is not about not belonging to anyone. It’s about belonging to yourself. – Amanda Shires

While there have been many times over the years that I felt whole and complete (knowing that having a partner wouldn’t make me any happier), I had always felt like that was a point of view I HAD to choose. I’ve spent most of my adult life single, but it wasn’t by choice. Because if I chose to be unhappy because of something out of my control, that would be my own doing. So I chose to be happy with that status, despite the very tiny part of me that knew I desired something more. But for the first time, it finally clicked this year:

This moment in my singleness is a true celebration. It’s a cumulation of all the emotional work I’ve dragged myself through, it’s a moment of seeing how the amount of freedom I have as a 39 year old, is something not many people my age actually have. So many people are married, or have kids, have mortgages, and or other responsibilities. This is not to say any of these things are better than another, but I’ve taken a path fewer people have taken. Each have their pros and cons. And it’s not so much that I am am adopting Peter Pan syndrome, but that I honestly just feel so lucky to be here now.

I feel deep gratitude to be able to make choices for myself from a place that truly stems from my own heart and without influence and desire based on anyone else or anything at this point in my life. It’s a gift. I finally see how magical this time and space for me is, and how fleeting it could all be. A single decision or moment could change my life forever. Who knows who will walk into my life, or how my body will change, or what will happen to the people I care about in my life. This is what they call “blissfully unattached”.

This year continued to stretch my ability to say yes to the unknown and share deep gratitude for my community that has supported me when I couldn’t. I stepped into a new career, which felt like leaving behind an industry that has given me so much life, but I know it will always be a part of me and I know deep down that this is the right path for me now. To be able to reground myself in soul work, financial freedom, and be in a place I feel respected and valued instead of just tolerated and constantly fighting an upstream battle. It’s time to invest in myself and rethink how I want to show up in the maritime world. This place of professional rest and growth has given me a place to truly begin to rebuild myself externally. I can now choose to bring things into my life instead of just letting life happen to me.

I took a step back from everyday sailing this year, which felt like a loss as first, but then I realized during this unexpected 12 month break, I had been on two separate three month sailing stints, which makes for me spending nearly half that year at sea. So, it made sense when I got home to just reground myself. It made me a little sad not to spend 2-4 days a week on the water this summer, but the moments I did get to go sailing this year felt exceptional.

I still got to participate in Round Salt Spring and Swiftsure this year with Stephanie and Wild Rumpus, which is always just a blast. Well fought finishes for both! 13/85 in Round Salt Spring, and 2nd in class at Swiftsure. I also got to participate in my first Round the County with the french crew of Palidan. It was a wonky wind weekend filled with ups and downs, but we managed to snag 4th in class (only 12 minutes away from 1st!) and 10th overall (126 boats total!).

You would think that my 2024 NWP adventure would’ve been the peak of my sailing adventures during what I now call my “freedom year”, but it turns out life wanted to throw me one more epic sailing adventure my way before I started putting roots down again.

Just because one path is blocked, does not mean another one won’t open up for you. Believe you deserve 100% of the opportunities offered to you.

While I am still not legally allowed to share very much about this experience, I can share that it was fitting that I was able to embark on yet another epic boat adventure: crewing on the world’s largest viking ship, Draken Harald Hårfagre, also in part of one of the largest budgeted major motion pictures ever.

While the ship spent five months at sea to be a part of this project, I was able to crew for the first two months of the project which included being a part of the longest transit of the entire shoot (I just wanted to go sailing anyway!).

I met parts of myself that I didn’t know existed, parts of me that I thought were dead, but best of all, I gained a whole new crew to love forever. I even earned a new boat nickname that might be the best one to date: Ping. Thank you Marty for seeing the humor and challenges of it all, while appealing to my Disney heart.

To new ship sisters: Kessu, Johanna, and Jessica. The world may never know, but we know. I cherish our time more than you will ever know. So grateful for your sisterhood!

I made the decision to leave the project to take a job back home, and to my surprise it felt seamless. It just made sense. It felt good to make a decision for myself, not because I had to. I made sure to spend another month with my Italian family before my first east coast delivery and starting a new job back home.

Hold space for all the paths you did not take, and honor the ones that you did take.

Returning to La Distesa was the perfect way for me to reflect on what a wild journey my soul has been on during my year “off”. It’s not often that you get to see in person a life that you almost lived. The whole “what if?” scenes playing out in front of my eyes. What would’ve happened if I chose to stay in Italy all those years ago? If I had chosen to marry a winemaker, have kids, and all of that. You would think there might be some regret, seeing the romance of it all, but instead all you feel is love. No jealousy. Just love.

It felt both parallel, yet inverse of the grief I was carrying. Two years ago, I had to let go of dreams I thought I was creating with someone else and accept a path I didn’t choose. Knowing they chose someone else for those dreams in a timeline you will never understand is possibly the heaviest emotional burden of all. How do you not take something like that personally? How does your body not feel enraged and confused? And at the same time it doesn’t surprise you, and your feelings and fears are now validated.

Being at La Distesa showed me it was possible to just be happy to witness how someone who helped shaped you continue to share their magic with the world. Even when it’s different than how it was before. I wish to channel this for my future, and at the same time deep resentment makes it feel impossible. But if there is even a sliver of me that desires to be compassionate, there is hope.

Giacamo released his first EP, Senhal, and I had the honor of shooting the album cover and I couldn’t be more honored for such a moment. This, coming from what used to be the 6 year old you used to run around the vineyard playing “spiderman” with. Now a full fledge adult. It took everything in me not to be crying all over.

Italy was a perfect time for me to take a moment and honor all of the ways in which our stories go beyond what we can see. That the changing of chapters can be so beautiful if we can honor it for what it is. So eternally grateful for Corrado and Valeria for creating a home that has held my soul and continues to heal me in all the ways.

Starting a new job in higher education felt like I was giving up on my dreams and professional aspirations in the maritime world. It felt like I was leaving a big part of myself behind. It took a couple of months to transition to a positive space, but more than ever it feels like it was the right move for me. I’m able to concentrate on specific areas of maritime I want to progress in, while having a career that can support those aspirations. More importantly, working for the UW Office of Minority Affairs & Diversity feels like a breath of fresh air. I kept telling people that it felt like being in a healthy relationship for the first time. I kept thinking something was going to drop, but instead I was met with peace and respect.

For starters, I’m not the only person of color on staff. I had no idea how much that affected me until I could look around a room and not feel the unconscious pressure of being the only minority. I work with a team of bright women who I respect and feel respected in return. It’s been a blessing to feel like I am working in a place that supports my individuality, personal endeavors, and does not ask me to go beyond without offering a fair exchange. What a concept. My opinion has weight instead of just being a box to check off.

Celebrate yourself. All of yourself. Celebrate who you are NOW, there will never be another point in time where you are exactly the way you are right now.

I chose to move home with my Mom for many reasons and it has been a difficult process of finding balance between independence, being home, and fighting my ego. But during this time, I have found the gift of moments in time. For those of us who are not particularly close with our families, we don’t find many opportunities to be with our parents in this phase in their life. Most of the time we move out, start careers/families and only see our parents on holidays or special occasions. The next time you spend a significant amount of time with them again isn’t until they are sick and they need you for something. Not many of us get the opportunity to re-live the dynamics of our childhood, but meet it with more grace and understanding, instead of the angst and hurt of never being understood. It has been such a gift to spend all this bonus time with my mom, cooking together, and being able to ask her questions and learn more about her past, our family history, and just have gentle conversations. It’s brought us closer in a way that I am so grateful for.

With starting a new career that surprised everyone, even myself, I have found the space to really settle into accepting the fact that sometimes transitions in your life can take longer than you want it to. I may feel ready to step into a new phase of my life, but perhaps that new phase is the quiet rebuilding, the goals that just take more time than a couple of months to achieve. It seems obvious, but the bigger the goal, the more time and effort it will take. I’ve never been one to be patient and for the first time in my life, I am sitting with the patience to build something bigger in my life. Perhaps this kind of change and my resistance to patience is the work that I am meant to be in right now.

Savor all the undocumented moments. Let someone else capture it.

• Whipping fresh whip cream by hand with a fork and laughing.
• All the everyday home dinners with Mom. Making all the dumplings with her.
• When Jax laid on my chest and passed away a week later.
• The smell of tar stained clothes and feeling happy.
• Climbing rigging.
• Traditional greek dances with strangers on a tiny street in Greece.
• 2am bow watch with dolphins and Mediterranean bioluminescence
• Getting lost in the streets of Lipari in search of gelato.
• 4am bachata dancing on the beach with the most charming scotsman you’ve ever met.
• Sleeping under the stars at Paris Creek.
• Swimming with the best bioluminescence in Mats Mats Bay and played music around a fire in front of people I didn’t know with some of the best people I know.
• Trying water coloring for the first time at Mt. Rainier.
• Jockeying for a place on a start line on a J-105 with 25 other boats including the Schooner Martha, whose bowsprit came about 5 feet from my face while I was trimming our starboard tack.
• Holding my Grandma when she was sad and comforting her.
• Party planning with Irie and seeing her sing at her first choir concert. All of the cute and sweet sayings she says.
• The moment you realize how rich and abundant your life is through the presence of people who love and care about you.

This year feels like some of the most beautiful small moments I’ve ever experienced. I don’t know if it’s the deep gratitude I am carrying, the clearing of a heavy heart, or being “blissfully unattached”, but some of my favorite memories this year were not even photographed. As someone who has instinctively captured every meaningful moment, even if it’s not a “good photo” just something to remind myself of that time in my life…I have started looking at my life without the photos. What would I say about my life if there were no photos?

I’ve been thinking about where my time and energy has been going. Why it’s been hard to get my creative juices flowing. With more writing goals for myself, I’ve started with reducing the places where I feel my energy is being spent. There is only so much time we have on this earth, and considering how much I have leaned into living slow, I am finding the need to reduce distractions and taking more time for myself than ever.

Take rest when you can, not just when you need it.

I took myself on a self-care retreat at SeaTsu for Thanksgiving this year. I was pleasantly surprised how much I enjoyed the quiet of everyone else being preoccupied with regular festivities and I could do whatever I wanted in that moment. I drove out to Dungeness Spit, accidently ended up at a different park but the water was so calm, I decided to go for an impromptu cold plunge which was everything I needed to reset and reconnect to myself.

Cold plunge and sauna and a night in the geodome was everything my spirit needed. I found and burned a letter I wrote exactly two years ago in the very same spot. A letter full of fear, desperation, and confusion. Begging for a commitment while sacrificing her needs and desires all in the name of love. Or so I thought. Unable to recognize the woman who wrote it, I felt it was very fitting to burn the letter and let that part go. It was a healing moment I didn’t know I needed.

After the geodome I spent the day in Port Townsend water coloring, and then a drive in movie campout in Oak Harbor to watch Wicked 2. The next day was followed with breakfast at Dad’s diner and more water coloring and Friendsgiving. Unfortunately that was the beginning to a very long weekend.

I was concentrating on mixing whipped cream for the banoffee pie, but when I looked up, I suddenly felt cross-eyed and couldn’t see straight. I tried to dance through it, but Brandon ended up taking me to the ER at Skagit Valley Hospital…very long story but I ended up being hospitalized overnight.

While I was waiting for MRI’s, Brandon and Cassi came to bring me a breakfast burrito, and smoothie. Jamie and my mom ended up coming together. And Lee and Maddy came by too. I felt so loved. There was a moment in which I grieved how I know a partner would’ve been fighting for me with the hospital. I missed having someone in my corner like that. But it turns out, who needs them when you have someone like Jamie in your corner. She was there to ask questions, be proactive, and help drive my car home for me.

Turns out I needed to go to a second ER, and lucky me Jamie stayed with me the whole day and took me home while I waited for a second MRI. Many appointments, calls, and waiting later…the diagnosis has gone between Myasthenia Gravis and Third Nerve Palsy. I am still in the throws of healing and follow up appointments, but so far so good. Being a pirate was fun for a while.

My vision has improved significantly and my eyelid is almost back to normal. It’s normal enough if I actively try to open it, which works for now. For a while though, I was really worried about how this would affect my cold plunging, sailing, and all the ways in which I am used to challenging my body after reading how extreme heat and cold affects MG.

I’ve learned that this last month and probably the next couple months will be a season for rest and physical healing for me. It’s giving me a chance to prioritize my physical well being, which I haven’t done very well. But I do hate to miss out on sailing for now.

Choose your words

Reflecting on the words I chose for 2025….I feel quite satisfied how I channeled these words into my being.

Rebirth – Once the social butterfly of the group, I’ve fully leaned into my introverted side and relish my alone or one-on-one time. The life of the party girl is still in there, but she goes home early now. I am also embracing being at peace, trusting myself again, and having the confidence to stand in my truth without guilt. Saying no is a superpower now. I also found a new hobby to explore and love in watercoloring which I am completely obsessed with!

Expression – I challenged myself to continue my creative writing projects as well as work on exploring my musical side more. If you know me at all you know performing in front of people is hard for me. It took me years to even gather the courage to play and sing in front of my closest friends. But thanks to the encouragement of Pat and David and many late banjo sing-a-long hours many years ago, I know enjoy playing for friends around a camp fire. This year I challenged myself to play or sing with other people, and I had two very clear moments I feel proud of in which I chose to have courage instead of silently participate in the background. I played and sang with David around a campfire at Mats Mats in front of a campfire and earlier this month I impromptu got on stage with Jenner Fox to sing “In Spire of Ourselves”. While neither were my best performances, and I don’t think I’ve made any significant improvements, these small steps still feel like moments of growth and positivity.

Hope – As a self-proclaimed, unwavering optimist—often edging on detrimental naivety—I recognized that by the end of 2024, there was a quiet hardness had taken root in my heart, one I knew I would have to guard against. Hence, choosing the word hope. We live in a harsh world that is constantly challenging the good, love, and hope that is left in this world. That is really where the work of love takes place. To choose to believe in hope despite the trauma, despite the lived experience of disappointment, despite the lack of any light out there for something better. I want to always choose love, even when ever fiber of my being screams fear of being hurt. There is hope for myself, my heart, and the world. That’s what I choose to believe anyway.

Next year I choose Movement, Physical Health, and Grounded.

This year we lost my favorite poet, Andrea Gibson and it truly broke my heart. To know that myself and the world would never hear another gift like that again truly hurt. Andrea’s words helped heal me in ways I didn’t know needed. They gave my heart hope. They helped give words and beauty to some of the most anguishing feelings and experience the human can experience. They lived life with such grace, humor, and honesty that I think everyone could learn from. If you have not watched “Come See Me in the Good Light.” you absolutely should.

I’ll close with one of my favorite Andrea Gibson moments:

So be your own valentine, not because you need it, not because you have to, but because to romanticize your beautiful life as it exists now, is truly a gift. Thank you for reading this if you made it this far and I hope you find something to ponder or take home with you.

– Sandy Flower