Stages of my feelings about moving to Italy.
1. Pure excitement – It was a romantic idea that I couldn’t get out of my head. Thinking about the possibilities of what I could be doing, what I will be doing, and all those dreams I ever had about doing. This feeling however only lasted a couple weeks.
2. Terrified – There have been several times when I doubted myself and my ability to really handle this kind of change. It sort of felt like a panic attack. All of a sudden I could think of every thing that could possibly go wrong. But what it boiled down to was the fear of coming back and the great frendships I have built would be diminished. I know this is silly because I know that real friendships don’t need daily maintenance. But I love my friends so much especially the ones I’ve had the honor of knowing the past year and a half. They are the most incredible people that I know. I am truly blessed to have them in my life.
3. Guilty – When I made the decision to leave my job, I felt nothing but guilty. While I did feel the huge weight of stress come off my shoulders, I still felt incredibly guilty. I care about my work, probably more than I need to, but I do. I believe in being passionate in everything that you do, and I most certainly believe if someone is paying me to do something I should absolutely try my best. My coworkers have varied over the past year but those that I have come to know in the past year and a half are really special people. Especially Patty. She is quite the role model and I’m not sure how she keeps trucking along, but she is. But this guilt made me feel like I was probably being incredibly selfish, but as Mr. Kelly taught me long ago, decisions like these are not selfish for people like me. Givers deserve to take care of themselves and following your heart is never a selfish thing to do.
4. Neutral – I’m not sure what to call this phase…but it seemed to last the longest. When Italy really became real, when I started wrapping things up at work and packing my apartment up, I started feeling like this was the right thing to do. To me, moving across the world seemed natural to me. Like this is just the next phase of my life. You graduate from highschool, go to college, get a job…this just seems like another logical step in the process. My parents would’ve liked a house and a husband to come next, but those are huge commitments that you can’t force. I felt a little stuck and trying something new, something unique, seemed like a logical step to me. I am looking forward to the possibilities that can occur while abroad. They seem limitless and vast, I am sure my brain has not even wrapped around half of the possibilities. When people asked me if I was ready, I felt like I was responding half heartedly with a shrug and “I guess I am.” because I’m not really sure how anyone could possibly fully prepare themselves with this kind of opportunity. I do know that the best thing I could possibly do, is face this with an open heart and open mind. Which doesn’t take too much. 🙂
It’s the night before I leave…getting up for 27 hours of traveling…wish me luck!